Navigating Friendships as an Avoidant Person

I had a dinner date with my longest friend last night 😊

We were sitting on her couch after dinner and looking at pictures of tattoos together. We were talking about matching tattoos and I was like, “What if we break up tho”. She said, “At this point, we’re never breaking up”. (*Avoidantly attached me feeling secure)

As an avoidant person, I’m noticing that my closest friends tend to be anxiously or securely attached. They’re able to draw me closer when I’d rather hide.

I’m also noticing that in my experiences of making new friends, the avoidant me is coming through by sometimes holding new friendships a meter-stick distance away.

It could be because when I moved in the 6th grade, I didn’t make any friends in my new school. My mom told me this new school is temporary while I’m on the waitlist to get into another school that’s closer to our house. Not that that prevented me from making friends, but I also just didn’t make friends as easily.

I had the same friends as the friends I made in Kindergarten and 1st grade so when I moved in the 6th grade, it was the first time I had to make new friends and I was not good at it.

I would eat my lunch alone and then read in the library for the rest of the lunch period. I would be overly excited when passing folks I knew from class would say hi to me during lunch, hoping they would sit with me (they never did).

My excitement for friends may have pushed people away. I’m not sure, so nowadays, I find that I try to be less expectant about new friendships and just give it space to see how it’ll turn out.

If it turns out that we really enjoy each other’s company and want to spend time together, then great!

I eventually made friends at my new middle school and more in my high school. My long-term friendships from this period (decades old now) are gold for me. They’ve seen and been with me through all my different phases.

My highs, my lows, they’ve been there. Through my awkward teenage phases, my party phase, my relationships, my graduations, my parent’s divorce, my move to NYC, my lupus flare-ups, and moments when I didn’t feel like my most cheery self.

I feel the most secure in those friendships because they’ve seen me when I wasn’t so bubbly and it didn’t push them away.

I also share things with them that make me feel shameful and like a shitty person and they mirror back my feelings and validate them or they laugh, making me feel like a normal person (like how upset I would get when I see my husband’s socks on the floor when we were first living together).

Through my moves, I learned that if I’m friendly, happy, and bubbly, I’m more approachable and open for friendship.

With new folks, I feel like I have to be my bubbly, happy, self at all times. This part of me is pleasant to be around, doesn’t ruffle feathers, wants to please everyone. And sometimes it feels like there is less permission to show the other sides of me.

In my decades-long friendships, I find that I can show up as myself. I don’t have to pretend if I’m not in a good mood. There’s a vulnerability that’s not present in other parts of my life.

With my new friends, I appreciate learning about each other and being surprised by what is revealed. For example, I might be surprised by a friend’s higher-pitched tone when he speaks to animals, another person’s stance on social justice issues, or someone’s dream to leave their tech job and move to Thailand.

With relationships, I have to remind myself to nurture the ones I currently have, enjoy whatever purpose new relationships might serve, and not worry about the future.

TLDR:

• Don’t have expectations from people, friendships, and relationships (but I mean, have standards and boundaries tho)

• Take comfort in the relationships where you are seen as and can be your whole self

• Know that not any ONE person can fulfill all your needs, not even your life partner/s.

• It’s also okay to be alone for some seasons of your life.

  • Find solitude and comfort in aloneness rather than loneliness and isolation.

  • (Loneliness is an epidemic now so be carefully discerning with this one, especially you avoidant folks)