From Self-Doubt to Strength: Reflections on My 3rd Pole Showcase

I just performed in my 3rd showcase 🥳! These milestones are great ways for me to remember what it was like in my 1st and 2nd performance and how it’s different from my 3rd.

In my first performance workshop, I remember I always chose the pole in the back because I felt self-conscious. I was super new to pole and learning things for the first time in front of people I just met was hard!

My self-criticism and self-judgment was rough.

In my 2nd performance, it was a mixed levels group and I felt more comfortable. My skill level was maybe advanced beginner. I was thoroughly impressed with the folks I danced with and I was inspired by how much more I had to learn and gain the strength for.

Now in my 3rd, I signed up for the intermediate group. It was more challenging for sure. I remember at the very beginning, I didn’t know how to invert and spin at the same time. This part of the choreo that we learned on day 1 freaked me out 😅.

Before then, I only inverted on static and I kicked up (I didn’t have the core strength just yet). Now, part of the choreography was to invert and create a spin.

I felt self-doubt. I had thoughts like, “do I belong in this group” or “will I make it by the end?”

Then I pushed those thoughts aside and I felt determined to nail it before performance day and I did! Definitely one of my proud moments.

I didn’t realize that I’m getting stronger and my pole technique is improving until immediately after the show my husband and friends who have watched me perform in other showcases told me.

I’m definitely proud of myself and excited to continue this pole journey.

Pole spaces are still the only public places I feel safe in to be a woman. It’s the only place I feel safe to not be sexualized or objectified (without my consent).

Tbh, I don’t even perform at home when my husband asks me to (it’s nothing on him, I don’t even cry in front of him). It’s a sacred practice for me and I feel vulnerable whenever I’m dancing. It’s a vulnerability thing for me to dance (and to cry, but that’s another thing I’m working on).

But when I’m in a room with other women and queer folks, and we’re all dancing together, I feel safer and I’m able to tap into that part of myself that I was not aware of for a long time.

The most feminine parts of myself was the most shameful growing up so I would push anything “sexy” or anything that would cause others to judge or hurt me for being a woman.

As a society, we’re fed victim-shaming narratives and always blame victims of assault whether it’s what they’re wearing, how flirtatious they were (when they’re just being friendly), giving mixed signals, the list is endless. It’s exhausting.

Over the years, I realized I wear less makeup, I don’t try much when it come to fashion. Usually just sweats and baggy clothes for me. I tell myself that it’s because I value minimalism and sustainability. I also value non-toxic products. I also value time and efficiency.

But sometimes I wonder if it’s because it’s just safer as a woman walking around not done-up. I get less stares, less catcalls, less attention.

It all can be true at the same time.

Performance workshop is probably the only time I fully do my hair and makeup nowadays. And when I do it, I love it! I used to love putting on makeup and going out dancing.

Pole has been a way for those repressed parts of me to come out, be embraced, be nurtured, and allowed to flourish.

Grateful to Atomic Allure for creating such a loving and wonderful community (happy 13 years!).

Grateful to my teachers Sade and Donna for giving me challenging flows to work with and nurturing my pole journey.

And of course grateful for the s*x workers and strippers who this art form came from.