From People-Pleaser to Self-Lover: My Quest for Healthy Connections
I’ve had my share of unhealthy relationships, including an abusive one. When I reflect back on my experiences, although I did not deserve that experience and no one deserves to be abused, I also reflect on how I could’ve prevented myself from being in that situation in the first place.
Just to be clear, this post isn’t about victim blaming. I also reflect on what led to my abuser’s harming myself and others (maybe that will be another post on a different day). Today, I’m sharing about my experiences being on the victim side, after I’ve had my share of grief, pain, suffering, self-blame, and a lot of “why me” moments. This eventually led me to contemplate what led me to that situation initially. It forced me to reflect on the ways in which I surrendered my power and choices to someone else, and how I placed my trust in external sources, both people and circumstances.
It also prompts me to consider how distant I was from self-awareness, self-love, and self-knowledge. I say "distant" because I firmly believe that we are all inherently worthy, enough, and deserving. Our life situations and societal influences often steer us away from remembering these fundamental truths. Our work in this lifetime aims to rediscover our worthiness, enoughness, and deservingness.
Growing up in a strict household where I was told I couldn't do certain things simply because I was a girl, being a latchkey child, and being the last one in my friend group to experience puberty all contributed to my low self-esteem. I struggled with people-pleasing, saying no (I wasn't even familiar with the concept of boundaries), and identifying my feelings, to the point where I would isolate myself and have emotional breakdowns because I kept so much bottled up.
These experiences led me to say "yes" to relationships even when my body would tense up as a response to being asked out. I later learned that this physical reaction was my intuition and body signaling a resounding "no." These experiences also caused me to remain in unhealthy relationships longer than I should have, often waiting until I was completely burnt out before ending them. It took a toll on my body and led to an autoimmune condition.
These hardships taught me the importance of honoring myself, loving myself, and enjoying my own company so that I never feel compelled to be in a relationship out of necessity. Of course, this is easier said than done, but it sparked my journey into personal development. The self-help section at Barnes & Noble I laughed at when I would stroll through the bookstore in middle school? Well, I practically devoured every book in that section in my twenties. I immersed myself in yoga and meditation, listened to podcasts on self-improvement, and intentionally remained single for six years while I embarked on this journey of self-love. I delved into self-discovery, scrutinizing my role in past relationships, identifying the root causes that led me to those points, and working diligently to remember my worth.
I cultivated enough self-worth and self-love to believe in my capacity for change. I set boundaries for myself and enforced them with my loved ones. I listened to my intuition when it came to dating, honoring my "no" without feeling guilty or shallow for my preferences. I prioritized self-care and respected my body's limitations due to autoimmune conditions.
Where am I now? I'm now married (approaching our one-year anniversary!). I found someone who patiently supports me when I'm triggered by my past relationships. Someone who doesn't assign blame for my emotions, but instead partners with me to navigate conflicts. I've become less avoidant by identifying and sharing my feelings without being overwhelmed by emotion. Sure, we still face challenges, but what's helped us weather these storms is our mutual commitment to personal growth. Couples therapy, specifically emotional-focused therapy, equipped us with valuable tools to navigate conflicts. My long journey has enabled me to distinguish between genuine threats and situations where my nervous system perceives a threat that isn't objectively real. Thanks to the work I've done on myself, I'm able to express these feelings to my partner, and together we can move beyond them.
I wholeheartedly believe that I wouldn’t have made it to this point - where I’m less avoidant and I embrace self-love and self-care - if it wasn’t for my journey with personal development.
Self Reflection Prompts
Have you ever struggled with setting boundaries? How did this impact the dynamics in your relationships?
What role did self-esteem and self-worth play in your past relationships? How did they influence your decisions and behavior?
What steps can you take to prioritize self-care and self-love?
If self-love, boundaries, and speaking up for yourself is something you struggle with and you’re open to working on these issues with me through life coaching, I invite you to schedule a free coaching session!
