Beyond Stigma: How Antidepressants Gave Me My Life Back

I’m sharing my story because my friend made a good point to me - people often don’t share their positive experiences with antidepressants due to stigma. It was also a couple of people’s shares about their positive experiences with antidepressants that planted seeds for me when I desperately needed help.

It’s also very timely for Mental Health Awareness Month and Lupus Awareness Month 🤗.

And please don’t give me any pity energy, I’m not looking for that. My intention is to just simply share my own journey in hopes it may help someone else.

Disclaimer: This blog post is intended to share my personal experience with antidepressants and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. If you are struggling with depression or other mental health concerns, please reach out to a qualified healthcare professional for diagnosis and treatment.

Being on antidepressants made me realize I’ve been depressed for a longer time than I thought.

Wasn’t it normal to have bimonthly breakdowns? Not being able to carry the weight of the world, isn’t that normal? Feeling depressed and burnt out after reading the news, isn’t that the response everyone is having?

After learning about my human design, it made sense to me why I felt things and felt like I had less energy than the majority of people. As a projector, I burn out much quicker and I feel people and things in general heavily.

Growing up with my mom, where I was told I was too sensitive any time I cried, I learned quickly to hold in my feelings and not to share with people if I’m upset, sad, or triggered. I learned to contain my feelings and hold it in. This is what led to my breakdowns.

I would isolate myself at home, in my room for hours, for days until I felt better. I would go numb, I would withdraw, and I would dissociate. I wouldn’t reach out to anyone for fear of being a burden. Which makes sense to me now. Anytime I cried in front of my mom, I was made to feel worse and wrong for crying.

Sometimes I would keep myself busy so I wouldn’t feel. I would do chores around my home. At least I always ended up with a clean and tidy home!

In recent years though, as a personal development junkie and yoga practitioner, I started to acknowledge, embrace, and allow myself to feel my feelings. I realized this is a “healthier” approach.

I also have a husband who notices just the slightest change in my mood and would always ask me what’s going on. I learned to share what’s going on inside, even though my shares are often messy. Fortunately, we’ve learned and continue to learn how to provide that safe space for each other to share openly.

In the last few years, what’s been making me depressed is less about relationships, family drama, or feeling lonely. It’s more about the world issues - I’ve been feeling depressed especially when it comes to the genocide in Palestine, Sudan, and Congo.

Prior to my husband having a job, I was also stressed about being the solo person to work with my more limited energetic capacities.

Things got bad to the point where I was crying in between patients at work.

I knew I had to continue working, but crying at work is not sustainable, and it felt terrible. I thought my autoimmune conditions were getting worse, but my labs were stable. So, I finally admitted to myself that it may be my mental health (I later learned that 1 out of 4 lupus patients have depression and anxiety). I reached out to my PCP for a prescription and days later after she consulted with psychiatry, I was placed on antidepressants for the first time.

I felt positive effects (more energy and improved mood) after 30 minutes of my first dose! I was ecstatic and hopeful.

Then I continued further into the first week and that was brutal with side effects - nausea, restlessness but super tired at the same time, poor sleep. Fortunately, my friend who is a psychiatry pharmacist helped me almost daily and reassured me and supported me in pushing through the side effects for “just a few more days” and I’m SO GLAD she was there through those days to encourage me because I almost gave up and stopped taking it.

A week later, I stopped tracking my side effects because I had none. I only had positive outcomes! My energy level is the best it’s ever been since (dare I say it!) college!! My mood is much better. I can read what’s going on with the world without being burnt out by it. I’m no longer irritated with the people I live with. I can engage after work without being easily triggered. I’m able to work with more ease. My relationships, productivity, and mood have all improved.

I feel like a brand new person - a clearer, refreshed version of me ✨.

Read more about my journey with antidepressants in my recent Instagram post.