4 Weeks On Antidepressants (Reflections)
Disclaimer: This blog post is intended to share my personal experience with antidepressants and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. If you are struggling with depression or other mental health concerns, please reach out to a qualified healthcare professional for diagnosis and treatment.
4 weeks on an antidepressant (Cymbalta) and I still feel much better than I’ve felt in a while.
I’m at the tail end of my monthly infusion for lupus as well and I’m noticing I’m feeling exhausted (which is typical). But before antidepressants, I would no longer feel better after my infusions. It seemed like the entire month, I had no energy.
After antidepressants, I feel like I’m reaping the benefits of the infusion. Even though I’m exhausted (a day before my infusion), my mood is still improved.
I used to feel self-pity and victim-y. Why me - why must I have these autoimmune conditions? I hated feeling that way, but I didn’t know how to get myself out of that funky mood.
Now, I no longer feel those things. It’s easier to accept that this is my cycle. I’m tired around the time of my monthly infusions and it’s okay. It’s easier to realize that I’m okay, I’m fine.
I know there’s still a taboo when it comes to antidepressants. But the way I think of it is that I had to have my monthly infusions to prevent flare-ups. My labs show that I’m still susceptible to flare-ups (the ones that sent me to the ER) if I come off the infusions.
Same with the antidepressants. I was having mental health flare-ups any time there were huge social justice and world issues. This affected me physically as well. I couldn’t function.
Throughout the past few months, there were a few things that helped me make the decision 👇🏼
I was reading Glennon Doyle’s book, “Untamed”. In this book, she recommends writing down how you’re feeling on a bad day to share with your doctor. Sometimes, by the time you go to the doctor, you feel better (this happens all the time with my patients). Share how you are on a bad day with your doctor. The doctor’s office is not the place to pretend we are fine (which I was guilty of a lot)!
The other thing that she shared in her book was when she stopped taking her mental health meds, she became irritable towards her wife and her kids. I felt like I was the same in my household and it sucked.
Somehow, I came upon this YouTuber’s shorts. He’s a psych resident and had perspectives that opened up my mind when it came to antidepressants. This one and this one were some of the more impactful ones for me.
Another person who helped me was one of my mentor coaches, Shirzad Chamine. He’s very open about his struggles with depression and being on medication for it. His talking about how it’s just chemicals in the brain that needed adjustments was helpful.
I realized that although I never judge someone else for taking antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds. Instead, I can see that it took courage to seek the help they need and I celebrate them for taking that action. But then I judge myself for it.
I “should” be able to handle things on my own. I “should” be able to have better boundaries around my empathy and energy. If other people have gone through much worse, then I “should” be able to handle life as well. Lots of should-ing myself!
A lot of folks after hearing about my experience told me “try therapy”. Although I know it’s well-meaning, when I was seeking antidepressants, I knew I didn’t have time to go through therapy to get to the state I’m in now. I also knew finding the right therapist could take time given my past experiences with therapists.
I needed to find a way to go to work without crying. I needed a way to not make myself bedridden from reading about Palestine. I needed a way to not be distraught every single time I passed by homeless encampments on my way to and from work.
Now that I am in a better place, I have the energy to actually sit down and try therapy. I have the energy to “date around” to find the right therapist for me. I have the energy to be patient with the work I’d be doing with a therapist.
I have the capacity to stay up to date and take action on issues I care about. I have the capacity to engage with my husband when I come home from work. I have the energy to workout several times a week. I can go grocery shopping without feeling burnt out every time. “Normal” life things are possible for me with more ease.
Reflection Questions
How are you “should-ing” yourself?
What “shoulds” do you want/need to let go of?
What is an act of self-care that feels courageous to you? That feels a little scary?
